James Edwards' report on the Dallas mission he was not on:

Yo, James here. I know I'm not on this "mission" but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!

First, I'm thinkin' that this is going to be like some really cool fly your new jet over to England at lightspeed pick up a Marine Major and get her back to Texas ASAP, if not sooner. Now the first part works out better than I imagined (most of the Marine Majors I know do not look this Major!!). The Major seems a little up tight and defensive, but I think that I am just the man to cure her of her insecurities (This is the reason for this stupid report).

I get to Texas and meet my F-BE-White bud Gus, who lets me crash at his crib. When I wake up, everyone seems extremely tense, so I join them for a few cocktails at the bar. I then meet this really whacked-out white chick (I got nothin' against white chicks, unless of course, they want me to have somethin' against 'em). First, she insults our heritage and then tries to claim that she as a poor little white girl had it tougher. Anyway the Major (now with a major attitude) calms things down by buying a couple more rounds, then ordering me to buy a round. The alcohol sufficiently diffuses that situation but leads me into personal disrepute. Now I'm not exactly sure what happened when, because my memory of what
happened next is taken from bits and pieces of what I remember and from things people told me I did. It seems that Whacko challenged me to show her Big Willie, and I obliged (I apologized the next morning to the Major, but I think she was impressed and said not to worry).

-- The mission happens -

I don't know what's going on, Gus don't want me to know and based upon things he told me in the past if it's that screwed that he don't want to tell me, I do not want to know!. Meanwhile, I go shopping. I buy some really nice threads, but nobody notices.

It seems that the Major and Gus had a blowout, somehow caused by the whacko (whom I am beginning to think may be a frustrated nympho). I'm sitting in a room with a major babe who outranks me in the corps but is lost in civilian life. I do my best to calm her down, I get her to stop packing and go on a dinner date. Dinner appears to be going well until Gus "I have a present for you two" shows up. Now, normally I would be happy to see Gus, but his timing and his people skills really need some work. Major is now majorly mad at Special Agent Gus (I'm beginning to wonder if the "special" does not connote the same meaning it does in Special Oympics) and attempts and eventually succeeds in beaning the special agent in the head with a dinner roll.

I decide to take on the role of peacemaker. I have already made it my personal mission to get Gus to relax and enjoy life as a brother should. And well, the Major is this really major babe and, well, I would not really mind it if she, well, kind of wanted me to, well, you know. Anyway, I take my new phone and call the people who order everyone everywhere, and I know they also order people dead (I'm kind of hopin' that they're not going to do this to the Major) and I speak to the nice lady on the other side (How come she gets a bodyguard?). While I'm talking to the nice lady, the bad lady slips out of her room and pulls a Houdini.

I'm thinkin' that her and Gus are now makin' up and maybe makin' out and that I'm now cut out of the picture, then Gus calls and lets me know that Major Houdini is missing. Now I am really screwed! I called HQ and said she was giving the team leader a major hard time and now she's doin' the greyhound thing that will probably cause the nice lady to think shes not worth it and order a slice of lead for the Major, and it will all be my fault. Gus and I go looking but to no avail. The witch is gone.

I go back to my, er, the Major's room to pack. But I don't get out fast enough. The Major seems pissed that I am helping her. So what do I do, I stick my neck out again! (I know the first time I stuck my neck out and she ran away, but I couldn't help it. I have this need to help people and I kind of feel responsible for her for several reasons.  1) I'm the one who brought her here, 2) Semper Fi, Hoorah, 3) Big Willie wants me to.) I call the nice lady who compliments me on my stupidity and ask her if she can arrange for someone (hopefully a duty officer) in the Commandant's (atten-Hut) office. The phone rings and my God, it was the leader of the finest military force ever to grace the planet earth calling the Major directly. The Major did not even stand (I don't understand the sacrilege).

The Major crashes onto her bed, and I decide its time to do a Houdini myself before I end up getting the President or the Pope involved in this whole mess. The nice lady calls back and advises me to be careful what I wish for and that she did not mention my name to the Commandant (thank God for small miracles). I'm not even on this mission, I didn't get laid, but I sure have the feeling that if I'm not real careful in the future, I'm going to get screwed.