Please don’t hate me for lying to you. I insisted that Hunt and Sam keep you busy without explaining the real mission. Hunt was even willing to take the blame for it, but I refused. It was my demand, so the blame is mine.

If you are reading this, you now know what’s going on. Do NOT blame Sam or Hunt for the job. Hunt’s been doing everything he can to protect me. He actually needed a drink to break the news and yelled at the National Security Advisor for approving it.

You can’t even really blame the Bureau. I could have avoided this job by resigning from the FBI. Hunt practically begged me to quit. Even the director isn’t happy about this assignment because he didn’t like the idea in the first place, and he hated using an "in between" person like me.

So why did I allow this? You should understand something they don’t — soldiers risk their lives to protect civilians. It’s part of the job and the way I see it, this is no different. Besides, I would never be able to look in the mirror again if I refused and whatever the terrorists are planning happened. Hunt was confident he’d be able to catch them before the Bureau’s plan worked, but I disagreed. They’ve evaded capture by Mossad and law enforcement officials in every country they’ve been in. If you’re reading this, I was right.

I do agree with Hunt that the Bureau can’t have everything covered as well as they think,. So to that end, Hunt has given me a few extra advantages, which is good because unbeknownst to him, I have every intention of making sure I get caught. It’s the only way I can see to find these guys, and they have to be stopped. You don’t know what it’s like to grow up wondering every day if you were going to die on your way home from school. I refuse to allow New York children to know that fear. I participated in a counterattack when Hamas captured a nursery school in one of the settlements in 1985. Too many people died, most of them children. I’ll do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening again.

I need you to promise me a few things. First, that the terrorists won’t succeed. Second, that you blame no one but me for this job. I could have stopped it at any time, and I could have made it much harder for me to be grabbed. I know that’s what Hunt, Gus and James wanted. In fact, I think it’s what the director wanted, too, but he can’t admit it. I knew the risks and accepted them. My only regret is not being able to see you one last time, but the timing didn’t work out. It’s probably for the best because I don’t know if I could have gone through with it if I did. Third, don’t do anything stupid or play Superman. You have to stay well, sane and an active agent. You made three promises, remember? You promised the Commandant that you’d look after James and Chantel, and you promised Alyssa’s father that you’d look after her. I swear I’ll haunt you if you break those promises.

Fourth, well, the fourth one you might not be able to keep. Ideally, yours is the first face I want to see if I walk out of this. When Hunt asked who I wanted on the extraction team, you were the only one I requested. But, after reading this, you might hate me too much for lying to you. In that case, I’ll understand if I don’t see you. I don’t think I could bear it if those blue eyes that melt me with a look turn turned hard and cold as slate.

I tried to warn you — I’m not the sort of person who gets a happy ending. I’ve known that most of my life. God made people like me for sacrifices like this. Running from God (at least my God. Your God is a bit more lenient) doesn’t work — ask Jonah. But at least He gave me a taste of heaven in the time I’ve had with you. I just don’t know if that will make it harder or easier to bear when the time comes.

I left something else with Sam that you should have gotten with this letter. It was originally going to be Christmas present but when the jeweler finished early and this job came up, I had to make sure you had it early.

A simple "I love you" has never even begun to describe how I feel about you, Harley. This doesn’t scratch the surface of my feelings either — I don’t think anything will ever explain how much you mean to me — but I wanted you to have a tangible reminder.

The strange border is actually a highly stylized combination of Hebrew and Arabic, with a little Cyrillic thrown in to totally confuse things. I didn’t want to risk anyone being able to read it easily and expose you on a mission. It says, "Now and forever, my heart is yours." The phoenix should be obvious. I needed to put something in the center to further disguise the writing as a border and that seemed appropriate. To the average person glancing at it, it should just look like a man’s eagle pendent with a funky border. Only you know what it really means. I didn’t know your preference, so I had the jeweler include both short and long chains.

If I’m right and this job goes sour, please try to forgive me for keeping you in the dark. As I said before, this was my choice and my fault — no one else’s. If God is merciful, I’ll walk out of this, and you’ll find some way to forgive me. If you can’t or I don’t make it, please keep your promises to the Commandant and Alyssa’s father. Alyssa needs you more than you realize. You really are her father in every way that matters.

I love you, Harley, and no matter what happens, my heart will always be yours.