If you’re reading this, you both know what’s going on. I’ve told Harley that this job was my choice. I could have turned it down by resigning from the FBI. Hunt really wanted me to, but I couldn’t.

Until you got into this business, you had no idea what it was like to live in danger every day. I do. Israel is not a playground for children. Riots, terrorist kidnappings and bombings are far too common, not to mention invasion attempts. I had to wonder every day going to school if I’d make it home in one piece. Bus bombings and suicide bombers took the lives of many children my age growing up.

As a soldier, I participated in a counterattack when Hamas captured a nursery school in one of the settlements in 1985. Too many people died, most of them children. I cannot allow those type of attacks to happen here. Despite the dual citizenship, I’ve always considered myself an American. I won’t let the country of my birth and heart succumb to the fear and violence that permeates the country I was raised in.

I don’t expect you to understand my decision, but I do expect you respect it. I wouldn’t let Hunt or Sam tell either of you in part, because I knew you’d argue with me and try to keep me from doing what is necessary. But the main reason I forced them to lie to you and Harley is that I wouldn’t have been able to go through with it if you two knew. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to say good-bye.

Harley calls me a pessimist and fatalist. I consider myself a realist. In this case, we may both be right. There is a very good chance I won’t walk out of this. I can accept that if it means these bastards are stopped. The mission was solely my choice. I understand the risks — and the cost — but I need the rest of you to ensure that it was worth the risk. Don’t let these murderers succeed.

I need one favor from you, Alyssa. Watch out for Harley. Not just physically, I mean emotionally. I’m afraid of what he’ll do when he finds out. Don’t let him do anything stupid. This job isn’t Hunt’s fault or Sam’s or even the Bureau’s. I could have ended it any time. Don’t let him go after some sort of crazy revenge. He’d be seeking it from the wrong people.

You said once that he lost his heart. At Thanksgiving, you said he got it back. Don’t let him lose it again. If I don’t make it, it would be a disservice to everything we had together if he lost it again. I meant it when I said I’d give him mine if I could. Actually, that’s wrong. I gave it to him a long time ago.

There’s also the chance that I survive, but Harley won’t be able to forgive me for lying to him. I’m more afraid of that then I am of dying. I can’t begin to describe how much I love him, Alyssa. Which is why I want you to promise me that you’ll take care of Harley if I lose him, regardless of whether it’s due to my lie or the grave.

You probably think I’m overreacting. I’m not. I knew I would get a case one day that I wouldn’t survive. That’s why they recruit people like me — and why I didn’t want you in this business. Harley still doesn’t understand that unlike him, I was recruited because I’m more expendable than most. Happy endings for someone like me are just cotton candy dreams in the rain. Regardless of whether I make it or not, I guess the odds are bad that I’ll be able to surprise him with that Christmas tree. I would have liked to seen his face when he found it.

Regardless of what happens to me, know that as far as Harley’s concerned, you’re the daughter of his heart, if not of his blood. Take care of him for me. Don’t let him do anything stupid. He has both his life and his heart back. Don’t let him throw them away.

And Nicholai does care a great deal about you. It’s hard to tell under the Russian stoicism, but he does. You’ve got a chance for something lasting with him whereas I knew that Harley and I were doomed. Take advantage of it. Don’t make my mistakes. You still have a lot to learn, but I’m proud of you.